Kenya When we talk about breast cancer, the conversation is usually directed at women: know your breasts, check for changes, go for screening and seek care early. That is important, but we need to talk to the men too.
Let us be clear, men can get breast cancer too. It is much less common in men , but a lump or any unusual change in a man’s breast should not be ignored. Men need to know their own bodies too and seek medical attention when something changes.
This piece is also about another role men can play as partners, fathers, brothers, sons, friends and caregivers to people affected by breast cancer. Sometimes, a man may be the first person to notice that something has changed.
I know a woman whose partner noticed a lump in her breast during a moment of intimacy. He felt something unusual and asked her to see a doctor, which she did. After the necessary tests, it was confirmed that she had breast cancer. That story reminded me that sometimes, the person who notices that something has changed may not be the person whose body it is. Men, please pay attention. Feel, notice, ask and encourage her to get it checked.
I would like us to start a simple campaign this October: “Men, spot the tumour”. This is not about men examining women’s bodies for them. It is about recognizing that the people closest to us can sometimes notice a change that we may overlook. Who better, than the men in our lives?
The role does not end with diagnosis
Once breast cancer is diagnosed, life can suddenly become a long list of hospital appointments, tests, surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, medicines, side effects and a lot of uncertainty. This is where men can make a real difference:
- Take her to hospital.
- Sit with her during appointments.
- Listen to what the doctor is saying and take notes. There are days when there is so much information being given that it is difficult to remember everything.
- Help her keep track of appointments and medication.
- If she is having a difficult day, don’t always try to find the right words. Sometimes, just sitting beside her is enough.
- Take her out for that special meal. Find something that makes her smile. Give her something to look forward to.
- Where you can, help with the financial burden. Cancer treatment can put enormous pressure on families. Transport, consultations, medicines, investigations, food and other costs add up quickly. Financial support is also part of care.
Some of these things may look small. To someone going through treatment, they are not.
We also need to talk about abandonment
It is not always rosy in marriages when a partner gets diagnosed with cancer. Some women are abandoned or mistreated by their partners after a cancer diagnosis. Almost 10 years ago, while we were both receiving treatment in hospital, I met a woman who told me her husband had left her after she was diagnosed with cancer. She told me he believed she was going to die. Three years later, after we had both completed treatment, I met her again at a meeting. She told me her husband had died. I have never forgotten that conversation. It reminded me of something important which many people think is a cliche that “a cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence”. This is not an isolated case, there are many more. Anybody can get cancer. None of us knows when a diagnosis may come into our own family.
The role continues after treatment.
The role of a partner should not end when chemotherapy, radiotherapy or surgery ends. For many people , life after treatment is not simply a return to normal. There may be fatigue, pain, lymphoedema, neuropathy, changes in body image, fear of recurrence, financial challenges, relationship difficulties and the struggle to return to everyday life. A woman may look well, but she may not feel well. This is where partners need to understand that finishing treatment does not necessarily mean returning to the person you were before cancer. Sometimes she needs patience, someone to listen to her and help getting back to work or managing things at home. Other times, she may simply need her partner to understand that she is still finding her way.
Men, you have a role
Breast cancer is not only a woman’s issue, and men should not be expected to stand on the sidelines. Men can notice a change, they can encourage early care, they can accompany their partners to hospital, they can provide care, they can help with the financial burden, they can ask questions and they can listen. Most importantly, men can stay.
This October, as we ask women to know their breasts, I would like men to ask themselves a different question:
“What am I doing to support the women in my life when it comes to breast cancer?
Don’t wait for cancer to enter your home before you learn about it. Know the signs, talk about breast cancer and encourage the women you love to seek care when something doesn’t feel right. If cancer comes, don’t walk away. Stay and walk with her.
