JJ Singleton, Research Advocate at Fight Colorectal Cancer, Patient Insight Board Member of Medidata Solutions, shared on LinkedIn:
“Chemo round 189.
The words are difficult today because the struggle is real, the pain is high, the side effects are already on the extreme levels.
Today those thoughts of how long can I do this, how much more can I endure, how many more times can I force myself to go and show up when I know what is coming and how it impacts me.
The questions and thoughts get louder.
I sit in this chemo chair, I lay in my dark apartment feeling the full impact of almost 11 years of treatment and over 11 years of cancer attack me, and control my life.
- My skin is irritated and burning and itching constantly to where I can’t sit or lay down comfortably.
- I feel my heartbeat in my bones, my muscles feel weak, my joints feel constant pain and throbbing.
- My gums and mouth are bleeding and my voice is horse.
- I’m cold and hot at the same time.
- I feel dirty but too exhausted to take a shower.
- I’m hungry and dehydrated but can’t even think about eating or drinking much.
- The physical hell brings on the mental spirals anxiety sadness and fear.
‘But this is my life, this is long term treatment survivorship, this is what keeps me alive, this is what allows me to live the life.’
So yes today I’m questioning how much longer I can do this? How much longer can I deal with this hell where most side effects never leave? How can I keep making myself show up and do the damn thing?
It’s a lot, it’s a lot today and this week and it’s a lot of anyone at any age in any life.
I know I’m lucky to be alive and to be surviving and doing all the things I am, but it’s still hard and it is a heavy weight and a tough life to live.
Chemo shirt the one and the only The Dude!”
Other articles about JJ Singleton on OncoDaily.
